Thursday, January 9, 2014

Facing Truths

Truth...I am human. I am not a Super Mom, wife or woman. Sometimes I soar and think I am, but when I come crashing back down I fall hard thanks to this phenomena called LIFE!

Truth...I am a survivor. Life has thrown me a lot of curve balls, and this past year was no exception but I keep plugging along, as imperfect that I am and life goes on.

Truth...Life will continue to whip me around with those curve balls unless I take control of it and never stop trying.
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Happy New Year...time just keeps moving. I am sure that like many, I am not the only one who is happy to say "See ya, 2013!"...ppffftt. It was a tough year for me on many levels and this year I hope to take the time to enjoy the positives more than the negatives. 2013 ended giving me the big finger the whole way. We lost power for several days (Ice storm) for the 2nd time in two months just days away from Christmas. It was a highly emotional time for me because of the holidays but also because my son had just gotten out of the hospital after having extensive surgery to reconstruct his chest due to  Pectus Carinatum caused by Marfan Syndrome. We did get our Christmas miracle with the power restored late Christmas Eve, saving Christmas Day so that we could make a decent HOT meal and the kids could enjoy their new electronic toys.

I am not a winter person and with the days shorter and the endless storms we have had and the wicked cold as of late, life can get depressing when you are locked in the house day after day with your kids..and mother. My kids were suppose to resume school last Monday but we had 15-20 inches (depending on where you stood) dumped on us and then the temps plummeted to dangerous negative numbers making it impossible for the kids to be outside. Four days after the big snow and we are still waiting for a county plow to make it down our neighborhood.

Another truth...I did not attend a single WW meeting the entire month of December. BIG MISTAKE! I did really well through Thanksgiving staying focused and working out but slowly I fell apart. Gabe and I went into the hospital on December 17th and I never left him. Hospital food is expensive and not healthy. It was a struggle and many times, comfort food was all I wanted. I did still try to walk while he slept but slowly that fell away and I would sleep when he slept because sleeping through the night with nurses and doctor's coming and going all night was just elusive. Depression was my biggest obstacle and let's just admit, I fell flat on my face fighting that last month, too.

But moving on...its January! I am determined to get myself back on track. I have a 7lb Holiday gain to hurdle over first. I renewed my monthly pass on Tuesday and I am tracking everything. Looking forward to heading back to the gym today or tomorrow, too. I have cleaned up my spaces by getting rid of the holiday junk and replacing it with healthier choices and revamped my routines. I got in the nasty habit of sleeping in and not having breakfast in the morning. No more slacking. I have 40 lbs more to lose and its time to get it done!

If you are visiting me for the first time, welcome and thanks and I hope you visit again. I will be sharing new to me recipes, inspirations and my journey. Good and bad. I hope you stick around and share your WL journey with me.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Here come the holidays!!

I feel like September and October flew by with just a blink, where did the time go? I have been in a survival mode while my husband worked out of state for almost two months, leaving me alone caring for the kids and day to day life. From my last post, many of you know I have had some emotional struggles going on. For the moment, things seem to be better. Perhaps, because my husband came home on Halloween and I don't feel so disconnected and alone with those struggles.

I really tried to be more adventurous in September & October: I joined some friends from my elementary days for a girls night out..fantastic fun and laughter. I also had the opportunity to enjoy a trip with a friend on Mackinac Island where we took in ghost tour, the island was beautiful with fall colors and full of haunted stories. I ended the month was a last minute trip to Cedar Point with my 3 youngest kid for the Halloween-Palooza. My kids rode their first roller coaster, my oldest son decided once was enough for him. lol We enjoyed less adventurous rides, lots of walking and a few haunted house tours.  I learned one thing for sure, this Momma DISLIKES Zombies. lol My kids had a blast and I earned the Cool Mom Award to be pulled out and dusted when I have those less cool moments with them and they are mad at me. lol Here is a link to one of the videos we made as we had to make our way through the locker room of the Zombie High School.

Weight-loss for October was up and down and then up, again. I had a gain to start November off, I think it was a sodium overload so it pushed me back on hitting my 40 lb goal. I now have 3 lbs to lose before my 1 year anniversary on November 26th. I can do it! I decided to give the Simply Filling Technique a try. For those not familiar, its where you still track every BLT (Bite, Lick and Taste) but only the non Power Foods count against you. I did it for two days and the scale didn't budge. Impatient much? ugh So on my third day, I reverted back to the old tracking method and I am hopeful that at the very least, I am back in the groove of tracking.

I got adventurous tonight and tried a new to me recipe from Gina @ Skinny Taste and it was fantastic and super easy to do. It was hit with my kids, which is the true test of whether it will be a repeat in this house. If you love Butternut Squash or perhaps you have some sitting about and you are tired of the old tried and true of roasting them, give this version of a meatless lasagna a try. I promise you won't regret it!

Before I close, I plan to get more active again not only physically (via a gym lol) but also through blogging. I kind of fell off the planet only posting occasionally. Its time to get aggressive with this journey and the best way I have found to do that is by sharing the journey with others. I have also joined a site that I hope will give me opportunities to try products that will fall in line with living a healthy lifestyle. I will only share products and reviews for things I can stand behind and if I haven't I will look to others to give me their opinions on whether its something worth giving a whirl.

If you are reading this...bless you. I know its been a long time but I am pleased to know that someone is still taking the time to peep in on me.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Treading water..

Blogging has become quite hard for me lately, I think partly because my weight loss has been so slow and mostly because I have been fighting depression not associated with it. My life has been upside down again and I am struggling with a relationship that until two months ago was my rock in my life. I am now just feeling utterly alone and a bit bereft. God bless my husband who is my other rock in this life who has loved me despite my many flaws.

I am a headstrong person with clear cut views about life, people and just well, humankind. I am not perfect by any means. I give my heart fully but when I am slapped..many times..my wall will go up to protect myself from further hurt. Something I learned to do as a tween as my Mom remarried twice, both times to men who were emotionally abusive to me.

The relationship that I am struggling with was always such an easy bond for the last twenty years. I could tell her anything and she didn't judge. I could give my opinion without her taking it the wrong way. Now I can't say or do anything right. We could laugh at the most silliest things or just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. Now we share nothing and sarcasm which was the foundation of a good laugh is taken critically. There is no joy in being with my friend.

I am heartbroken.

Friends come and go in life...that is a fact. When a friendship withers, you simply move on. What do you do when that close friendship also happens to be a family member?

Walking away isn't so simple but the more we continue on this path the more I fear walking away will be my only answer. We may forgive each other but the damage will be done and we will never get that bond back that we had.

What do I do when my heart feels shattered?

I struggle to take care of myself..to eat right..a binge on junk I know is not the answer. For the most part I have held myself together but this week I can say I am barely treading water. It doesn't help that my husband is out of town until Halloween and because I live with the person I am struggling with...I can't escape.

I will get through this because I have to get through this. I won't put on weight because of my emotions. So I put them here for whoever cares, or struggles as well, to read. I will get perspective and I will "just keep swimming."

Monday, August 26, 2013

Plateau or not a plateau?

That seems to be the question.


How much fun would a weight-loss journey be if you didn't have lulls at the scale, right? I tend to have them often. There are some months that I lose consistently, not much every week but my other mantra is "every little bit counts!" The month of August seems to have been a huge waste of time when I look at my weight-loss record.

I know, I know...cue the violins I am having a self pity moment.

I have to look beyond the numbers. I have had some positive and consistent changes that I have maintained. So how was that a huge waste of time? One of the questions asked of us at WW's today was "What was one thing/change that you have learned or done this summer that has made a difference in your weight-loss?"

For me, it goes back to that quote: "She turned her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans."

Three months ago I wasn't walking consistently and I never dreamed of making running a part of my activity. I always told myself I can't because of my back and joint pain caused by Marfan Syndrome. (connective tissue disorder) I gave up without even really trying. Now, I am walking daily up to a mile and some of that mile I am jogging. That is a huge change in my life over the summer. The other is yard work. In June, it would take 3 days to mow the acre and a half property and now I got it down to one day with a push mower. What a testimony to my increase in stamina and endurance!

Patience. That is the one God given virtue that I do not possess and God intends to constantly teach me..ever so painfully..until I get it. I have come such a long way...33 pounds is nothing to be taken lightly. I have a bit more to go but I am proud of myself for not throwing in the towel.





Getting to my goal is going to be hard earned
but it will be a reward worth earning even the hard way.


Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Insomnia, anyone?

Insomnia, anyone?
I am sitting here and it's 3 am. I am thinking how ironic that the meeting topic today for WW's was about "Getting a better night's sleep!" We discussed all sorts of reasons of why some do not sleep restfully, they ranged from overactive bladder, overactive brains and my contribution was choice of sleeping partner. I know I shouldn't put all the blame on the spouse but the majority of my wakefulness is because of him between his coming to bed late and waking me to take his nighttime pills and then the not so joyful snoring noise he makes that inspires me to entertain ill thoughts of how I could muffle him.

Insomnia is not new to me but for the most part they are far and few nowadays. I have implemented many of the solutions that we talked about in our meeting today between making my To Do List for the next day and having a nighttime routine. My day was a bit off I have to admit. It began with a killer migraine and I got absolutely NO extra activity in, when normally I walk the dog a few times around the cul de sac twice a day. It was chilly and by the time dinner was done I was ready to take more headache medicine and call it a night. I went to sleep an hour earlier than usual and all was well until my husband creeps his way in at 12:30 am turning on a light so he can adjust the fan and then opening room darkening curtains so he could get a breeze. No matter that my migraine was allergy related and I am the one sleeping by the window. Suddenly, our bedroom is filled with moonlight and my eyes were popped open and ready to slug him as I hear him drift off in slumber making the sounds as if he was choking to death. No worries, its just his snore. Yes he HAD an apnea machine..NO he doesn't use it because he decided he was cured. I flipped on a light to find my Ipod and his concern for me made me want to do great bodily harm. I told him I needed to fill my ears with something better than his dying animal routine. I swear if I hear from that man "I don't snore" one more time I am going to lose it. He thinks its cute to say that to me. After 19 years of marriage...ITS NOT CUTE OR FUNNY when I am the one who can't get back to sleep.

So what do you do when two hours have gone by and sleep still eludes you? You get up because the longer I lay there the more annoyed I become. I drank a cup of hot Sweet Dreams Chamomile Tea and decided after a long hiatus that perhaps tonight would be a good night to blog. If anything to vent my frustration...its my blog and I can bitch if I wanna! My alarm will go off at 6:15 am and I really truly hope I will some how be able to go to sleep before then. Guess who is NOT going to be getting the kids up for summer school and dropping them off at 8 am?

That's right...paybacks!

I suppose while I am up and here, I should talk about my journey. Things are going pretty well for the most part. I had to become more self reliant in regards to getting my activity in and sticking to my food plan even when others in the house are a distraction. I have set a goal before Sept. 1st to hit my 40 lb WL mark and I am pleased to say that its only 7 lbs away. Every so often I take out a pair of jeans I bought a few years ago when I lost 70 lbs. Reality really bites you in the ass when something you could once pull on with ease suddenly can't make it past your thighs. I measure progress by pulling them on when the scale seems to not give me the results I seek. In April, I was able to pull them up over my arse finally but zipping/buttoning was much like crossing the great divide. Last month, I was able to zip them but I looked like a stuffed pig in them. haha Yesterday, I not only pulled them up with ease and crossed the great divide but I could sit in them and not lose consciousness. Insert long sigh and a slight smile......that is the sound and look of sweet satisfaction and progress.

I have been asked by well meaning friends and family how much do I plan to lose? When is enough...enough? I was not quite prepared with an answer but the truth is when I am at a healthy weight for ME. Please do not tell me that I look too thin and I should stop trying to lose weight, have faith in me that I know when enough is enough. Your words might not seem horrible and I know I am loved and supported but those words can have an affect on me when I am tired of tracking or feeling vulnerable against stuffing myself with a Big Mac and fries that I have craving but so don´t need to medicate myself with. Just cheer me on and by all means tell me how proud you are of me or how healthy and HAPPY I look and again...just have faith that I will take care of the rest.

It´s 4 am and the newspaper delivery has come through the neighborhood. Perhaps I should try again to count those sheep and finally succumb to slumber. 
GOODNIGHT!

Sunday, June 30, 2013

WL Frustration


I have had to channel the lil' Dory inside of me a LOT lately. My body is all over the place the last month. Coincidentally, about the same time my husband had to take a layoff from his position or be demoted. Stress and anxiety can really wreak havoc with weight-loss despite my trying to stay focused by tracking, making good choices and staying active. Ever since I celebrated my 10% I have been up or down 1-2 lbs. I have had to beat down the old me and not give in to the urge to give up or just binge on comfort food. It really is a vicious cycle when you have struggled with your weight your entire life or for me, it was my adult life. I have always used food as a way to have control over my life when everything else was far out of my control. I am grateful for the support I have gotten through WW 360, they have provided many tips to help get you through the tough times. I know I am in a better place now vs 6 months ago or even a year ago as I was dealing with the loss of our home, moving and the death of my stepfather that left me with much baggage to sort through emotionally.

Although I haven't been blogging, I am still on this journey. One day at a time. I am enjoying the nice summer weather and my non-scale victories are my reminder of why I must "keep swimming". Difference between last year and now, I am able to mow the lawn with the push mower without being laid up for a week with pain. The last 3 weeks, I would mow it over a 3 day period and this week it was pretty much in one day. I was quite proud of myself, although I do have to take a break every 20-30 minutes. I think I drank roughly 4-5 bottles of water. (16 oz) Gotta stay hydrated!

Another non-scale victory are my clothes are getting baggy and I have dropped two pant sizes since last November and people who don't see me often are noticing that I have begun to slim down. My reminder that the scale does not define my success, as long as I stay focused and "just keep swimming" the scale will start moving again. If you still visit and read, you have my sincerest gratitude! Blessings to you as we begin a new week on this journey.










Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A Blessing named Jesse..

I feel a bit lazy and its a bit sad, that I have reduced myself to only posting monthly. This post will have absolutely nothing to do with weightloss or me, I will update that hopefully before next month. lol

Where does the time go?

Anyone who has been a parent or a teacher, you can totally relate to how busy life can be in the Spring. Between my daughter running her 5K with GOTR last month, field trips and end of the school year events like field day, 5th Grade Celebration and this Thursday the much awaited day of the year for both the kids and myself...LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!

Its also coincidentally, my son Jesse's 17th birthday. Talk about time flying by WAY to fast!

Jesse Qoute
"I got an award for being good at English, I'm not sure why
cus English is my native language."
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Jesse is my 2nd oldest son and his life was truly a gift. His delivery wasn't the smoothest but I won't go into that birthing trauma. When he was a few hours old the family doctor came in to examine him and she heard heart tones on the right side of his chest instead of the left. She was concerned he had a condition in which the heart shifts so she sent him for an x-ray to rule it out. They brought him back to me and I tried to nurse him. (he was a pretty lethargic eater vs his older brother)  Shortly after he was brought to me the nurse came back to take him again for x-rays. I wouldn't let her until she told me why they had to repeat them.


She informed me that the first x-rays didn't get an accurate picture because it was showing that he had two collapsed lungs otherwise known as a double Pneumo-thorax. She urged me not to worry because it was obviously wrong, newborns who develop this condition crash and have to be resuscitated. As a young Mom that is too frightening to comprehend. The 2nd set of x-rays confirmed that he did indeed have two collapsed lungs and they debated on whether to ship him to a larger hospital via ambulance. They put him on oxygen and decided that because he seemed so strong and not critical, which was the miracle, he was better off staying put. He stayed an extra 48 hours which gave his lungs the time to stabilize and he was again breathing on his own at full functional lung capacity. The hospital staff let me know many times they had never seen a child not need to be revived in Jesse's situation and he truly must have had angels protecting him.

I have no doubt to that truth!

He doesn't like me to tell him his birth story because I think its embarassing to him and due to his Autism he doesn't seem to comprehend the overwhelming vast amount of love and thankfulness I feel to have been given the gift of Jesse to raise as my child. He has grown into a very thoughtful and compassionate young man who isn't afraid to stand up for what is right and what is wrong with the world. Those who truly take the time to get to know Jesse never walk away without an appreciation for his humor nor his intelligence. Many kids his age don't quite relate to him because he is more "eccentric" but those that have befriended him couldn't have asked for a more loyal and caring friend.

So very proud of you Jesse...Happy 17th, kiddo!