Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Holiday Firsts..

Everyone looks forward to those first holidays when you have new life in the home but many of whom I know, myself included, are struggling with another kind of holiday firsts and that is when you have lost someone in your life. Whether its a child, sibling, a parent or a friend our loss can be significant and the grief very silent. We often hold in our sadness because we don't want to ruin the holiday cheer of that downer, most especially if we have children.

Six months ago my stepfather passed from a rare blood cancer called Multiple Myeloma and my grief has come in stages. To those who knew our tumultuous relationship they would think I would be rejoicing and not looking back but his passing brought on so much more pain. The moment to put things right will never come again. His last real spoken words, two days before he went into a drug induced state, were of anger and venom towards me. Six months later, I know that it was his acting out and I was a viable scapegoat for his misplaced anger and resentment because he was dying..there was no more time for him. We didn't have the relationship where I could just hug him or tell him that I cared but the pain of losing him was very sincere.

This past week I have struggled with depression..the kind where you can barely get dressed and function. Thank God for my kids and my husband because you kind of have to go through the motions but I have been very short tempered. I put it off that I hate Christmas..which isn't totally true but it has always been a time of personal anxiety for me. (You know the kind when you have to take a Ativan before you go to family gatherings just to get through it. LOL) I don't talk about my grief for my stepdad because it was such a complicated relationship..I feel like a hypocrit when I say I miss him because for so many years I had wished my Mom would just divorce him. I had told my husband yesterday morning that I didn't know why I was feeling so angry and just utterly sad...and he in his infinite wisdom plainly told me that its because John is gone and I must miss him on some level. Those words spoken so simply just made me sob all the more. Damn you, John. As much as we sparred I had grown to love you and how dare you just leave without trying to fix our broken relationship.

Its another holiday first without him...holidays with him were never a ball of joy either but he had been apart of our lives for 25 years and his grumpy presence is missed. I know it will get better, the end of the year holidays are always the hardest for those who have had a loss. We just need to wade through it and be open to the life preservers thrown our way to help us stay adrift..don't succumb to the deep water of depression because we have to keep living and wake up each morning thankful for each breath we are still able to enjoy.

Weight Watchers has become my anchor through the holidays, and so far its working for me. Monday mornings are my lifeline. I enjoy the friendships I am making with other members on the same journey and I am learning to take that time for me. Although, I didn't have time for the meeting yesterday I did make sure I weighed in. I truly think it helped me to stay on track and in control of my tendency to emotionally eat through the day.  I had a loss of 1.2 lbs...just two more pounds until I hit my 10 lb mark.

Like life, I will keep plugging along. Little by little...just keep swimming.

Merry Christmas.

1 comment:

Journo June aka MamaBear said...

I know it's way after the fact, but sending you hugs belatedly. Those first holidays after someone is gone ARE hard. Hoping you made some new precious memories with your family over the holidays.