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Friday, October 4, 2013

Treading water..

Blogging has become quite hard for me lately, I think partly because my weight loss has been so slow and mostly because I have been fighting depression not associated with it. My life has been upside down again and I am struggling with a relationship that until two months ago was my rock in my life. I am now just feeling utterly alone and a bit bereft. God bless my husband who is my other rock in this life who has loved me despite my many flaws.

I am a headstrong person with clear cut views about life, people and just well, humankind. I am not perfect by any means. I give my heart fully but when I am slapped..many times..my wall will go up to protect myself from further hurt. Something I learned to do as a tween as my Mom remarried twice, both times to men who were emotionally abusive to me.

The relationship that I am struggling with was always such an easy bond for the last twenty years. I could tell her anything and she didn't judge. I could give my opinion without her taking it the wrong way. Now I can't say or do anything right. We could laugh at the most silliest things or just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. Now we share nothing and sarcasm which was the foundation of a good laugh is taken critically. There is no joy in being with my friend.

I am heartbroken.

Friends come and go in life...that is a fact. When a friendship withers, you simply move on. What do you do when that close friendship also happens to be a family member?

Walking away isn't so simple but the more we continue on this path the more I fear walking away will be my only answer. We may forgive each other but the damage will be done and we will never get that bond back that we had.

What do I do when my heart feels shattered?

I struggle to take care of myself..to eat right..a binge on junk I know is not the answer. For the most part I have held myself together but this week I can say I am barely treading water. It doesn't help that my husband is out of town until Halloween and because I live with the person I am struggling with...I can't escape.

I will get through this because I have to get through this. I won't put on weight because of my emotions. So I put them here for whoever cares, or struggles as well, to read. I will get perspective and I will "just keep swimming."

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