Thursday, June 30, 2016

Reap what you sow!

I may have been the one to file but in no way did I ever wish for my marriage of 22 years to come to this. I hurt tremendously. I am quickly going from having any sense of love for the "other" to having nothing but contempt and dare I even utter it, "hate". Within two weeks of him moving out he has gone from loving me and begging for another chance, swearing that he has changed and I should just believe in him for the millionth time to within 8 days sleeping with another woman and moving in with her. I had no doubt that this would happen but I had hoped that he would be "better" than that. Now our children are along for the ride as he moves in with her and expects them to spend his parenting time with her, when they have barely adjusted to the fact that their parents are split up and Dad has moved out.

Reap what you sow!

Words uttered to me by the "other" because in his mind I cast him aside because I wasn't ready to put "us" back together and needed time to believe in him again, to trust in him and grow in love with him again. I needed time and space but he needed sex and companionship and couldn't wait. The more he pushed me for it the more I pushed away. He cheated on me before and this feels like that again. The "other" said it was my fault, "reap what you sowed". Backatchya, sweetheart. You have jumped from one relationship that wasn't completely done with emotionally to the bed of another. Do not expect your children to respect your choices or accept them. They will forgive in time and so will I, but I won't ever forget your lack of respect or compassion for the family you had, nor will they.

Reap what you sow!
I will sow seeds of joy, love and stability for our children. I intend to grow strength, courage and a family. I will reap those rewards in time because at the end of it all, my children will know the difference and my sacrifices for them. That my "throwing away" our marriage was actually my grabbing a life line to be a better mom and the strong woman that they will appreciate having in their life.

I believe in "Slow and steady, wins the race." I am in no rush to find someone else. I need time to heal from the damage that you did from your years of drinking and irresponsibility. The years of degradation and disrespect by obsessing over your stupid games and pornography more than me and your children. Years of feeling alone and sad because you wouldn't participate with your family on trips, holidays or just because. The years of nothing but lies. You wanted me to just trust you, that you changed for good. I heard it so many times before and you lied each time. Karma is coming back to you...not sure when or how, but it will. I have absolute TRUST in that.

Letting go of my dream that someday you would just rise up and be the man I needed you to be. I deserved better, I deserved all of you and I will find that with someone else who wants it, too. First, I will learn to love myself again because I deserve it!

I will heal.

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