They say divorce is one of the hardest things you will ever go through, if you are one of the unlucky ones (depending on how you look at it), aside from death, famine, war. I have had moments where I have to truly agree. Some days it is a breeze but only because I am in to fooling myself, denial. Other days it is just hard and I catch myself wanting to cry or be angry.
The day I met with the lawyer my decision was made. I was done, it was over for me. I told my other a week later that he needed to get a lawyer and that he would be served. It shouldn't have been a surprise. I had told him through out the course of our marriage, after endlessly begging him to get help for his addiction and distractions that took him from his family...from me, I told him that one day, when I would have had enough, he won't know when, but when it comes it will be "game over".
That day came April 8th, 2016.
I am a planner who doesn't like surprises. His reaction was going to be the unknown variable to an extent. My past experiences, when uttering the words separation or divorce, usually led him down the path of anger, depression and suicidal thoughts. His slipping down that rabbit hole usually yanked me back. I had learned after the first time I had to put him in for mental health treatment at a hospital because he told me that he had tried unsuccessfully. My therapist then told me it was manipulation and I knew it was but I had 4 young kids to care for and I felt all alone. I was in crisis-mode trying to fix it all and keep it together for their sake, for mine.
This time I was prepared and he did what I expected and I did my best to love him through it. He went a step further that resulted in me feeling very uneasy and scared. My short experience working as a volunteer at a Domestic Violence Shelter came into play and the warning signs started to flag for me. Accusations that I was unfaithful started to come. First, I just laughed but then he started to say it to the kids and to others. This was becoming crazy. He began following me, checking up on me. I wasn't the one to cheat on our marriage. It was a case of the, "pot calling the kettle black!" I began to check my rear view mirror, being aware of my surroundings, keeping my phone and keys on me. These are safety planning things I learned through my domestic violence training and suddenly, I was becoming one of those women.
We have gone through a lot in the past month and a half since that time. After removing myself and the kids for a couple of days he got himself help through a therapist and medication. Sanity has returned. We are still living in the same house for the moment, 6 more days. I think he is finally accepting it. He recently asked me, point blank, if there was any hope. It was one of those moments that you ask yourself, "Do I trust him to handle it or do I avert to avoid the unknown reaction." I couldn't lie. Honesty is a huge thing for me and his lack of trusting me with honesty led to the demise of our marriage.
I turned to him and simply said, "At this time and in this moment, I do not see us reconciling."
He took a deep breath and let it out and said, "Okay."