Thursday, June 9, 2016

Starting again?

I feel like Francesca from the movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun". I feel like that "empty shell person" who stands at a crossroads where I have to decide will I go right or left or will I just pop a squat on that dusty road, unable to budge because of fear and indecision. If only I could find myself in Italy, living a new life. Of course, I was given THIS life and I must write my own story.  Tomorrow, the other is moving out. I am equally excited and terrified. I am ready to move forward on my own path, right or left, it is my journey but there is that doubt that creeps in that second guesses my abilities to manage on my own financially and emotionally. I can't really admit it to anyone, after-all...didn't I ask for this? Did I not think through everything before I walked into the consultation with my lawyer or even better, before I signed the paperwork and had it filed for the dissolution of my marriage of 22 years?

So I sit here, watching my favorite chick flick. Drawing empowerment and inspiration. The first piece of advice she gives when moving into a new home is to take one room at a time and making it your own. I find that ironic because that was the same advice I found in an article for moving forward with separation and divorce. My first order of business will be to clean our master bedroom from top to bottom. Pack up the things that I don't want for donation or garbage. Scour the master bath, clean the carpet and move my bed into a spot that has never been occupied or associated as where "we slept". I found some cute things at different shops that I can decorate with and of course, I need to find the perfect bedding set with fluffy pillows that will welcome me into comfort after a long night at work or give me a place to relax with a good book and a glass of wine. A room of my own where I don't have to pick up the other's things from the floor or kick them out of the path to the shower where he drops his drawers on a daily basis. A "safe space" that oozes with love, comfort and empowerment that I can draw strength from as I start over.

I can see my the future that I want for myself, I am just unclear about how I will make that happen. I know the steps I need to take but I have never traveled alone. I suppose the key is knowing that I am not completely on my own. I have an abundant source of support from new and old friends who offer love and support as I put one foot in front of the other. There are so many dreams that I have unfulfilled and I want to have faith that I can achieve them. I loved the other for more than half my life and I still do love him on some level just not in the way that I believe I should. I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life and I wonder if I will be okay with it. It's not that I need a partner to compete me or bring a purpose into my life, but it would be nice to have someone that I can have a nurturing and passion filled relationship with adventure, love and laughter. Is that even possible? Is that kind of relationship a fairy tale? Right now, I am not even looking. My goal right now is to get myself healthy..mind, body and soul so that if I am lucky enough to "smash" into something wonderful I will be ready to embrace it and find love again.
"Unthinkably good things can happen even late in the game. It's such a surprise." -Francesca

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